A child’s pain….
05 May 2012 Leave a Comment
The boy walked along the semi tarred street looking down and trying to ignore the voices around him. It was a jumble of different sounds but the meaning and intent was clear. He was an outsider and no one in the street liked him, well those of his age group anyway. The older people were nicer to him, but those were the ones who wanted something from him. Something he was scared of but it never stopped them from trying.
What was it about him that made these kids and those adults gravitate towards him. Being quiet and shy was never a reason to be picked on as we were all different. Well, he was from a different place and he also sounded different to those in the area. But still, did he really deserve all this hostile attention. He did nothing to attract it other than to leave the safety of his house. Not that it was much of a house too.
Nothing good seemed to be going his way as he walked along and seemed almost blinkered as he fought back tears. There was no way he would let them see him cry and make things worse. A public cry baby he was certainly not. His set face and gritted teeth belied the fear and shame deep within him. I do not need to be treated like this he thought and there was never a day of reprieve. It was constant and he never said a word and no one came to the rescue of the silent slim child who walked along like the Pied Piper dragging the tormentors with him.
They were kids playing kids games it might have seen to most who saw the procession pass their doors, as many sat and watched the street for any excitement. It was the norm for the neighbourhood. People sat outside watching idly as the street came to life as stray dogs and cats dogged cars and people alike, all intent on one purpose which was to make it through the day in one piece. So if nothing disturbed their routine, there was no reason to bother and so the little boy suffered in silence despite the baying crowd around him.
Little by little they got tired of their own game but further along the way others took over the chanting of words, name calling and trying to grab him. Yet, they seemed afraid to touch him in case something rubbed off onto them, but they tried nonetheless. Gripping the money tightly in his sweating hands he silently chanted the names of the items he needed to buy at the shop. A loaf of bread, small bottle of milk and packet of tobacco, over and over to occupy his mind and drown out the voices, but it only worked for a short time and then he had to listen to what they were saying. And it was no fun at all. Welcome to my world.
The road turned into a pot holed gravel road as the boy side stepped the uneven surface, at times almost bumping into the kids around him. They jumped back in fear thinking he was attacking them, but the drooped shoulders gave him away. There was no fighting spirit there. He silently pleaded for them to leave him alone, but of course they could not hear him.
The cars dogging the pot holes were a sudden hazard too and sometimes if it had rained the holes filled with water and the kids would splash around with their bare feet. Many never wore shoes. At times he would also join in the fun of kicking water at his friends. His so called friends that is! But now some of them had turned against him and were part of the gang around him. That hurt even more. It was different when they were alone. Why were they being so mean to him!
As he neared the shop, his little heart started to beat faster and he licked his lips trying not to think of what was about or might happen. The shop was at a busy corner and there was always a bunch of older boys or men standing or sitting around the entrance and concrete veranda. Soaking up the sun or for whatever reason brought them out to lean against the wall and watch the world go by while smoking or drinking from a hidden bottle.
Did any of them ever work or were they here for kids like him and their presence being the reason for his heightened anxiety, as he wondered if they would they do or say anything to him. They usually did and when he rounded the corner, his followers lagged behind as they saw the group of older boys. They could not compete and it was time to let the big boys take over. A silent understanding between them!
Where they scared to be seen taunting the curly haired little boy or did they tire of his unresponsive demeanour. It was hardly fun with little retaliation but he was never going to give them the satisfaction and it never stopped them from trying to coax it out of him. Sometimes they would continue in front of the older boys in a show of bravado. Without breaking his stride, he took a deep breath and walked towards the shop entrance.
He could feel the eyes on him, but he stared straight ahead and was almost blinded to everything around him. A walking, blank faced and shallow breathing statue as he silently asked someone to please help and let them leave him alone. Just for once! But who was listening to his silent prayers.
No one usually did. He was on his own. The story of his little life!
The walk to the shop seemed to take longer than usual and as he put his bare feet on the cold concrete it was as if the older boys could sense his fear. Like a pack of wild dogs waiting for their prey, they waited for him to go a bit further before they made a move. He was small and fast but not quick enough to see the older boy make a sudden scramble and take hold of his left arm. In a tight vice grip, he jerked the shocked little boy towards him and the other boys. No amount of struggle was going to help and yet he tried in vain to free his arm.
Breathing heavily he could smell the smoke and strong vapours of the usual stuff that they smoked. It burnt his nostrils and made him giddy but he tried not to show his distaste. His father and brother also smoked this occasionally but now the scent seemed to overpower him as he stood like a piece of item in a shop being viewed by interested customers. This was not the first time and somehow something was not right. No one moved as they chatted and ignored their scared little prey in the midst. Did they not think he had come to the shop for some other purpose than be held like a prisoner!
People came in and out of the shop and butchers around us and hardly glanced towards us. The ones who did look either disdainfully towards the older boys or sadly at the fair skinned skinny boy with them. After a few minutes, the little boy was pushed up against the wall with his hands above his head. He was warned to be still and not even to think of kicking out. For the first time he spoke aloud but his voice broke and he could not get the words out. His captor asked sneeringly the boy to repeat himself. Some of the older boys had turned away and carried on with watching the street and people, as some watched the two figures against the wall.
Some loud laughs made people turn and also watch the child being held in a vice grip and looking scared and about to cry. They watched as he shook and turned his head from side to side as if he tried to shake something off his face or head. But there was nothing there and as they looked closer they noticed why his head jerked so violently. Yet, only the boy holding him could hear what the child was saying. Please don’t, please don’t do it he repeated over and over under his breath so as not to attract any more attention to them.
But it was futile as the already had a crowd watching them and people here always liked to see something happen to brighten their day on the shop corner or the dusty porch. No one was listening to hid feeble cries just as none had heard his quiet inner begging. When the little boy stopped snapping his head back and forth and stared deep into the older boy’s eyes, then one head moved forward until their noses almost touched.
The little boy’s body tensed and the vein in his throat beat wildly as he saw the older boy smile and show an almost perfect set of white teeth. His handsome tanned face gave nothing away but that he had and wanted to do what he intended. He could not have been older than 17 but he seemed very big and old to the child he held against the wall and at the last moment the boy averted his head as the older boys lips missed their intended target and fell hotly onto the tiny exposed pale neck.
The shopping would have to wait and what would his mother think if he stayed away too long again. It would not be the first time. He had been through this before and all he could do was pray that it would be over soon.
As the blood rushing to his face and neck, he closed his eyes and felt the warm lips begin to suck at his flesh. His body tight and taut up against the wall he could feel people watching them and could smell the pungent odour of the weed his captor had smoked earlier and it made him feel strange and light headed. It could have been the feeling of helplessness too, but he could not think properly as the moist lips and teeth nipped at his neck, almost as if testing the taste of his flesh. Enjoying his fear!
He tried not to cringe at the mouth on his neck and after a few minutes his whole body went still against the wall as the fight drained out of him. With his head to one side he allowed the older boy to lean into him as their arms fell to the side and his tiny hands were enclosed by the bigger brown ones. It was almost as if he accepted it now. There was no point in fighting the inevitable.
He would offer himself to whatever came now and the less he struggled, the less attention they will attract. But already people would stop to look and walk by.
Some offered a comment that went straight into the little boy’s heart. It went over his head as most things said to him in public, but the words struck a chord deep within him. They hurt him. Those were just the words mind you. His face stayed emotionless as he saw and heard them talk all the while having a mouth at his neck. As if it was a common thing to do and be seen. No one took note of the pain and shame deep within the little boy.
He cried and screamed silently all the time and sometimes he jumped when they older boy got carried away at his neck. Praying there would be no marks as the boy let go of his hands and keeping their bodies pressed together he turned his attention to the shivering lips. As their lips got closer, the child opened his mouth in shock at the audacity of what was about to happen, and mistaken it for something else the semi doped boy stuck his tongue into the small mouth and kissed deeply.
There was a bout of screaming and cheering around them as seemingly neither could the audience believe what they were seeing. It felt strange and immediately the fair skinned child started to fight but he was once again pushed hard into the cold wall. The kiss seemed to go on forever as he felt his head move and sway as their lips, teeth and tongue battled with each other. When he felt his lungs would burst, summoned his last strength and pushed the heavy body off him.
Caught off guard, the older boy stumbled slightly but his dazed eyes seemed to glaze over and he flung himself back and crushed the body to the wall. This time with more determination as the kiss had awakened something in him. His friends roared again and the little boy left him to plunder his mouth and neck. The other voices were much closer this time and he dared not open his eyes. His lips and neck tingled from the onslaught and he felt hot and scared though no one saw the shame, embarrassment and hurt within him.
The episode seemed to last forever in his mind and his captor suddenly let go and left him standing at the wall. The cheers, screams and torments coming fast and strong. His tiny legs giving way, he let his assaulted body slide down the wall and hugged his knees all the time pressing his hands to his face to hide the shame.
He stayed there until the spectators had stopped talking and walked off. Then he got up and with much dignity walked towards the shop door. A few pitiful eyes followed him but no one offered a kind word as they almost jumped out of his way in case he might rub off something onto them. Like a leper and an outcast. He was on his own. The shame and degradation for all to see!
Red faced and hot he walked into the shop and stood in the line along the wall as it slowly inched towards the shop attendants. Giving no eye contact, he stared at the floor or ceiling or shelves in the shop, trying to recall what he had to get. Trying to still his racing heart, the odd person still offered up a taunting comment and new comers in the shop would stare at him. His bare dusty feet, shorts and sweater making him feel naked.
When he got closer to the shop attendant he started to feel apprehensive. His mouth felt dry and he was afraid to talk aloud and attract attention to himself. He wanted to disappear right there but he had to get the stuff he was sent for. Keeping his hands stiffly to his sides, he spoke softly to the person serving him. Hid body rigid and stiff he almost mouthed the words hoping not to speak aloud. But the attendant asked the child to speak louder. Spitefully enjoying the worried look on the little boy’s face he called another guy to assist the softly spoken customer.
He almost ran from the shop when the bearded man came into sight but knew he had to get back home soon with the meagre goods he was sent for. Grinning at the child, the man asked what was needed and everyone seemed to sense a change in mood in the shop. Despite the voices and shuffling of mostly bare feet on the concrete floor all ears and eyes wear primed on the little boy and bearded man at the front.
The man seemed to know what the child wanted and got the stuff and when he asked for the money, the kid held his arms at his sides. Give me the money the man said and he could have been talking to a small statue. The child slowly raised his sweating hand clasping the coins and almost threw them on the chipped wooden counter. A few titters sounded behind his back. He needed a plastic bag for his shopping and it was thrown near the stuff. His small mind raced at the thought of picking up the bag but he knew no one would help him as they all waited for him to get a move on.
Picking up the bag with one had he quickly started shoving his items into the bag, all the time watching the bearded man. As he reached for the last item, the bearded man grabbed it and pushed it further away from the child. Another round of titters enjoyed the spectacle. The boy begged for the item but he was told to reach for it. Please give it to me he asked softly. He was tempted to walk out but could not leave the shop without it.
Once again it was as if time stood still as he took one deep breath and lunged and jumped for the article out of his reach. The bearded man was far to quick for the boy and slammed his huge hairy hands onto the skinny arms. Got you, he screamed and kept the boy dangling along the counter with his feet off the floor and the wood poking into his ribs and belly. It hurt but all he could hear was the laughing around him. The game was on again but this time there was a different player. The prey stayed the same.
A blog a day…
21 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
I was doing fine with my swimming, boxing, cycling, running and walking but I hit a snag when my shoulders and uppers arms started to feel sore. I looked up swimmers shoulder and self diagnosed myself. Too much and too soon apparently. I was doing 40-60 laps of freestyle in my own self taught style. Was I over rotating or using other bad swimming techniques and combined with the heavy boxing workouts, I was feeling the pain so I had to take a break. Just as I was beginning to enjoy my swims.
I also decided that for years I have been doing bad posturing by using my laptop on the bed and leaning on my arms all the time. Which was also a reason for my shoulder aches and pains. So i decided to sit up at a desk or in bed too. Staying away from the pool was hard so I could just cycle and run. The weather was a bit cold for cycling and I was feeling a bit low from not being able to do much with my sore arms. My diet still stayed on track at least.
While running one night at 730pm, I suddenly landed flat on my face. Luckily I was wearing gloves, a long pair of lycra pants which saved me some skin abrasions. The sudden impact from the fall was quite a shock as i went from up to down in a plit second with no preparation for my fall. I felt my left thigh muscle pull and it was sore but I finished my 5miles run. I should of walked home really. Now I have a sore left knee and thigh as well as the odd shoulder pain. My body is hurting but I refuse to feel low.
After a few weeks out of the pool I decided to get back in on 22.03.2012 and it felt good to be swimming again. I just wanted to test the shoulder and see how it would feel. Lucky there was not much pain afterward but its early days. I also booked a swimming lesson for next week. After years of teaching myself to swim, I think I need the experts to show me how to do it right to avoid any more aches and pains.
So after my swim and many weeks away from the scale I could not wait.
Wgt – 13st 11b 87.6kg
Hgt – 5’9.6 1.77m
BMI – 28
My body fat came up at 23.3% while my body fat mass is 20.4kg.
Since my last weigh in, I managed to stay at the same weight but 1cm taller. My BMI was 0.3 less.
I also lost 0.3 of body fat percentage and 0.2 of my body fat mass.
Well done to me.
11.02.2012…a weighty Valentine.
17 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment
Oh the chill in the air and we had some splattering of snow for a few days. Nothing much really but it covered the ground like a powdered frosty cake. Pitiful too if you ask me really! We want real snow in Aylesbury please. I still managed to get up and stay focused on my swimming and boxing classes. The odd run in between too was welcome in the fresh air. Fingers frozen despite the bright green gloves I wear.
My swimming has improved a lot and now all I need to learn is the underwater turn. I also want a waterproof watch to time myself and work towards something but I am enjoying the pool so much more now. I can manage 50-60 laps in one hour. On my own terms of course. Pity I cannot record myself as evidence. How vain am I…!
Anyway, once again it was time for the scale to see if there was any improvement since my last weigh in and yes my clothes do feel bigger. So must be doing something right. After my 50 or so lap after a 5 hour work day, I sat in the sauna for 10minutes to unwind and cool down. Well, I heated up instead but it was good. The scales told me the following:
Wgt 13st 11 = 87.6kg
Hgt 5’9.2 = 1.76m
BMI 28.3
My body fat % is 23.6 while my body fat mass came in at 20.6kg. So how did I do this time round on the dreaded machine!
I am up 0.9kg and 1cm shorter too while my BMI is up by 0.6.
The good news is that my body mass % is down from 25 to 23.6% so that is a 1.4 loss.
My body fat mass went from 21.6 to 20.6 which is means a 1kg loss. All good then.
Body fat % for me at my ripe old age of 44 should be around 18 – 25%. And since I started I have dropped from 25.7 to 23.6.
22.01.2012
22 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Winter chills the air as the bare trees stand proud in the icy weather. I have been off for 3 days this week and worked only 11hours, so had ample time to relax and catch up on some reading. I know I am meant to be writing or editing for my book but I think I need a break. Been keeping up with the swimming and running and now can manage 50 or 60 laps in the pool before my arms give in.
The pool was full of kids and their parents enjoying the warmish water in the pool at the Stoke Mandeville Stadium in Aylesbury. The scale was ignored all the time but today I could not resist as I dropped my £1.00 and hoped no one came past me as I stood shivering in my little speedo trunks.
Wgt 13st 9lb = 86.7kg
Hgt 5’9.6 = 1.77m
BMI 27.7
Body fat % is 25 but it also shows another reading for BFM of 21.6kg.
According to the last time I hopped onto that scale – I lost 0.5kg and am 1in taller. My BMI is also down 0.5. And my body fat is 0.7% less and my body fat mass is 0.8 less.
And all this in 4 days! I am doing something right! I deserve a treat. Oh, what will it be!
Weigh and deliver…side by side…
20 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
And so the start of 2012 seems to be going well. I had a good 2 months of working out in California and how I miss it. Despite the cold weather here in London I am determined to keep up with the exercise. Trying to find workout partners via the web is tough. Either people are far away or scared of starting out. So I do my own thing but i can sympathise with them as I am also shy and self conscious when it comes to group workouts, but I am so enjoying the Pegasus boxing academy. I must think of joining some other clubs.
Here is a picture of me taken 19.01.2012. Will there be much change after a few months. I need to get my eating habits into ship shape. Eat more really as I tend to skip on food at times. In LA I had to force myself to stop working out so i could relax and eat. I miss my after workout berry smoothies with protein powder.
The weather this past week has been windy, rainy, chilly with some splattering of sun, but always when you at work. But I only worked 2 half days this week. 11 hours to be exact but I was too sore and achy after that 2 hour workout, but a delicious kind of pain.
I once saw a morph suit and decided I needed one of those and so here am I posing. What do i wear with it. You be the judge. I only need that wild party invitation now. I am off for an hour swim at the local pool near the hospital and then a hearty lunch.
18.01.2012…scaling new heights…
18 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
After my heavy workout session on the 17th, I still managed to drag my body to the swimming pool for 50 laps. I had to do something to ease my aching body. I had been good since my last drawback and even managed a good swim in a London pool. A few days earlier I went to the YMCA Central and met my friend who gave me a free pass. It has a great pool and a sauna and steam room. After a few laps and a bout in the warmed rooms it feels great getting into the pool all hot and steaming. The skin tingles at just the right amount to urge you to go a few more laps and well never mind the eye candy too!
Another drop into Nandos for my whole hot and spicy chicken, this being the second for the month may I remind you. I am truly spoiling myself! But I did earn it after I was so chuffed at perfecting my freestyle swimming stroke. A self taught swimmer. Ok, it was with some help off you tube. I did it all by myself though. Now hopefully I would see some changes, if only I can just sort out my eating habits but one thing at a time. I did weigh myself at the YMCA, standing there bare assed while people walked around. The change rooms can be a bit much really. But it is the YMCA after all.
But I waited a few more days and so today I was told by the scale. And I did the whole hog for one full pound.
Wgt 13st 10lb = 87.2kg
Hgt 5’9.2 = 1.76m
BMI = 28.2
Well I seemed to have dropped 0.7kg and also one cm in height. No Alexander technique stretch this time. And I went up 0.1 on my BMI and so I am still overweight.
Now I noted that have to weigh in at 57.3 and 77.4kg to reduce my BMI to healthy proportions. But would I look healthy if I have to lose 10.2kg
On top of that my body fat is 25.7%. It has to be around 22.4% I have an awfully long way to go as I am not even in a good range of 23.5%.
They tell me I am overweight and average. What is guy to do now really!
12 01 2012…after a heavy weekend
18 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
I tried to be a good gym bunny but I was side tracked one weekend to go clubbing and dancing. A few drinks later and some dancing, a whole Nandos chicken and a nice hot spicy Indian curry I felt it. But I had a very nice time in some good company. I suffered a bit did manage to get a cycle, run and swim in too despite my tender tummy and body. I had to push myself to get up and go. I promised to be good over 2012 so there was no excuse.
After a good swim I hopped onto the scales with some trepidation and got the following news;
Wgt 13st 11lbs = 87.9kg
Hgt 5’9.6 = 177m
BMI 28.1
It took me 10 days to add 0.7kg to my ass and stayed the same height but so did I also grow an impressive 0.3 on my BMI.
I must stick to it.
A 3 hour sweat to agony
18 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
After working from 12am to 6pm I had to run to the Pegasus Boxing gym and it took me 24minutes more or less. I got there at18:45as the previous class was cooling down by doing sit ups. When they were done we started off by skipping and alternating with push ups, sit ups and leg lifts. My weakest part of any workout and I hate them but I tried my best. Then it was a gruelling time hopping, jumping, leg lifts and more push up, sit ups and non stop bouncing. The sweat was running off me in buckets.
The trainer said he was doing his 7th hour of classes and he still had stamina for more. We were having a tough time keeping up. If one person was slow to recover from the previous set, we were punished to repeat it all over again. I was enjoying it all except for the core muscle workout which was why I was there. I want that flat tummy and the defined 6 pack even if it makes me sweat and ache in front of everyone. That the trainer was perfect to look at made the class better. I know!
One by one we were sent to the ring for a bout of hitting with the gloves. Jabs, punches and swinging wildly as my arms felt heavy in my new gloves and from the agony of trying to do the push up routine but I managed it. After we had all done the hitting bit we were told to go to the next trainer.
He made us do some karate moves and stances. He looked perfect and very supple as some of looked way out of it. Me being one of them and I should try and do yoga but never get round to it. He took us through a routine of kicks, punches and hand movements I had only seen in movies and he corrected us as we went along. I punched when I should be blocking. I tried my best and then we had to glove up, mouth guards in and the whole toot. I had never sparred before as we exchanged partners all round. I was too scared to hit back as I was punched, kicked and clobbered.
I was told to hit but I could not bring myself to do so, even if it was only in play and light tapping. I could see some people were very eager to hit hard. It is tough when you have to watch the punch and the kick at the same time. Many times I left my head open for a good punch followed by a nice kick in the ribs. I was not meant to be a fighter. I just want to hit the punching bags. Mind you I did tend to cast my eye at the eye candy working out elsewhere, so I was very distracted.
After some stretching and sit ups I managed a good 2 hours of this sweat induced workout and realised I had to run back home. My legs and arms were sore but the ice chill air made me more determined to run home faster. As if. I faltered after a while and passed the supermarket Morrison’s to get some milk, energy drink and then tried to run home with a heavy rucksack on my back.
I was like a man from the desert when I got to my door and a quick shower I still managed to eat a hearty meal at 2200. I bloody well deserved it. My mind alert to the feeling I was going to be in much agony in the morning. I woke up feeling it all over. I was off so had no reason to move out of bed. But hell I did. I raced at 1130 to the pool and managed a 50 lap workout in less than an hour of got onto that nice scale there. That was my whole intention anyway. I wanted it to tell me good news.
02.01.2012…a weighted issue.
02 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
Happy New Year to me and how good was I. In bed at 10pm and then the noisy fireworks woke me up. I always sleep early and never go out on NYE. I am good like that. I worked 10 hours on NYE and so was not in the mood for anything or anyone. A real grinch over the festive. I stayed in bed for almost 2 days and despite lack of food and having to live on mango, dried fruit and cereal I was forced to get out today. The sun was out and i never saw the light drizzle of rain until i stepped outside on my way for a swim. Might as well start the new year with a good clear head and healthy body. Thankful for seeing another year was I.
Another busy morning at the pool. And boy was it chilly outside so the warmed water was a welcome after a brisk walk to the pool. Posing here and there to click a few pictures on my Blackberry. I did 40 laps or more and I need to work on my swimming stroke really. I think a lesson or 2 is in order. And so like a different kid for his NYears gift i waddled to the scale in my new long length speedo. A bit of my bum poking out as I forgot my skanty speedo at work. I stood taller this time and did the whole Alexander technique thing of pulling my body upwards as I was measured.
Wgt 13st 10lb = 87.2
Hgt 5’9.6″ = 1.77m
BMI = 27.8
Ohhhh, i gained one inch in height thanx to Alexander and lost .4 on my BMI. Despite the chocolate flapjack I had last night before bed. Not much change else. I went straight for a scrambled egg, beans and 2 sausages for breakfast at the hospital canteen. I deserved it would you not think.
30.12.2011…a New Years eve check up…
02 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
I did 2 months of running, cycling, walking swimming in California and had hoped the tan and healthy eating would have paid off. Like being more brown was going to make me thinner. Hahahaha, yet i was still hitting the scales at 90kg. Hello….what was I doing wrong though my clothes were looser. I might have big bones after all. I am African. I could not help it as i went for another swim and the pool was amassed with bodies at 0830am.
Dashing to the imposing scale again, I stepped up to be measured. Holding my breath so I might weight less I breathed out as the ticket came through. I was like a child waiting for his belated Xmas present.
Wgt 13st 10lb = 87.3kg
Hgt 5’9.2″ = 1.76m
BMI = 28.2
So from 89.2kg down to 87.3kg means 1.9kg lost
And I lost .6 on my BMI. Does that mean anything really.
My height stayed the same. Drat.
